January--The Month of My Discontentment

January brings with it a cold, wintery attitude that I have always disliked. It makes you rethink and analyze. It makes you restless and discontent. It brings with it the ugly reality of fleeting time and impending taxes.
I have never cared for January. It is a long month of cold, icy moments. I'm not your typically depressed sort of person, although I do tend toward pessimism and negativity, however, January is the month where I battle my mind...I have to fight to keep upbeat and there are moments when I just lose it. All of the ugly tendencies I've buried resurface and make their appearance in January.
January is like a fickle, nagging woman. She exists to make your life miserable. And to challenge the perimeters of your sanity.
December for me is an exciting month. As you all know, I LOVE Christmas. You spend the time with your families...It's a good month for me. I know that isn't always the case for many, and December can be the bad month for a lot of people. But not for me. Then, in blows January, challenging you to quit eating, get healthy, save money, change your bad habits, etc....and I am presented, once again with the opportunity to fail! Laugh out loud! Okay...it should be seen as a time of new beginnings and new opportunities...which again makes me crazy. January asks too many questions and snoops into your private personal life. What AM I supposed to be doing with my life. Questions of wondering....Does my life count for anything important in the scheme of things?? Why do I replace my deep inner emotions with food? Why do I overspend? I want to make a difference, but too often, January reminds me of how very little I have changed in the last year, and laughs at me for being idealistic in my thinking. She taunts me and goads me like she's human. I want to slap January right across her unforgiving face and yell at her to leave me alone! Just when I think, I can't handle January anymore....I get a reprieve....and in rushes February.....the month of LOVE and embraces me in it's arms, promising me that spring will soon be arriving if I can endure a little bit longer.
Then I realize....that even though I dislike January so much, she is needed for my inner growth and OH, how I appreciate February so much more! And the cycle of the four seasons and the cycle of life has come full circle once again....as a reassurance of the faithfulness of the Creator who reminds us that although everything changes......everything also stays the same! Winter, spring, summer, and fall......the Lord God made them all. And even if January is a cold, frigid broad...she serves a purpose. I just don't happen to like her very much!!!!!

Don't You Wish You Had the Answers??

It's early morning...a quiet time to meditate and ponder the complications of life. I have just received one of the biggest miracles in my life and within days have once again been dashed against the rocks and beat up with more bad news. And like always, I fall back in to shouting out the same question I shout every time I am in the same circumstance. WHY! My contemplations have lead me to no real conclusions or answers. It actually just leads to more questions..Life is a puzzle to which we can not begin to have all the pieces without the One who holds the last piece. Life is like a series of doors that can never be opened without the One who holds the keys to ALL doors. Life is a complicated series of problems that can never be solved without the One who holds all the solutions. Just when you think you have managed to figure out or control the things around you....chaos breaks out and once again you are filled with the question, WHY? As the song says...Life is a dance you learn as you go. Sometimes you lead...sometimes you follow. I like that phrase. I sometimes wonder how people without God and without hope get by in this world. If everyday life slaps them up along side the head the way it does sometimes, how do they appreciate the wake up call?? So often, we are just sleepwalking through life. But as long as the waters are smooth sailing, we don't seem to mind that we are not really awake. Then when the sea gets bumpy and the bottom falls out, the storms swirl around us,....Lions, and Tigers, and Bears, Oh MY! We always wake up with a splash of cold water in our face, believing that we, of all people did not deserve that! Where do we get the idea that life owes us? Life is not an ironed out, bump free, happily ever after, it's all about me, fairytale. Life is a gift we were entrusted with...it's our story that has been written out, a play on the stage of life....and it's not at all about the storyline....but it's about how we play it out. Life is precious and fragile. It is tough and harsh. It is mountains and valleys. It's an awful lot like bull riding.... an 8 second, exhilarating, gut wrenching, white knuckled, ride in the scheme of eternity.
But I've learned, mostly, that life is a test....and too often we fail it...because we never learn how to embrace it. To grab on to it's hairy main and hang on for all we are worth! And it's about embracing all of it. The good, bad and ugly. The hellos and the goodbyes. The heartache and tears, the joy and the wonder of it all. We struggle and get so caught up in the individual acts of the play that we lose sight of the underlining message. We are a part of a larger story. A play within a play! "The bigger picture". Our job is to embrace the lines we've been given, play the cards we've been dealt, ride the bull that we've drawn....and our heart attitudes, countenance, mind sets, and actions will determine whether or not we have passed the test! Are you failing your pop quizzes so that it will be impossible to pass the big test? I don't know why bad things happened to good people.....I don't have the answers to all of life's hard questions. But I know the One who does. And someday I'll ask Him. In the meantime, we don't really need to have all the pat answers to life's curve balls. We just need to crawl up on LIFE's back, hold onto our hat......and stay on for our 8 seconds!

Sarah, God's Special Gift To Me

I've always loved my daughter-in-law...she's always been an amazing person. Her beauty is evident to all both externally and internally. But today...I do believe I saw her in a new light! Let me tell you a little about her.
I've actually had the privilege of knowing Sarah since the time she was 15...and over the years I have come to know what a special person she really is. She is strong and courageous...she is a wonderful mother and sister and aunt! I am not always the easiest mother-in-law to get along with but Sarah has always endured my shortcomings with patience, love, and understanding. I contribute most of her wonderful attributes to being raised by wonderful parents who loved her and taught her the right things. And God blessed her with the attributes she needed to become this beautiful, radiant angel I witnessed singing in church today! She glowed as she praised and worshiped God with her gift of a beautiful voice. I sat amazed that I was indeed fortunate enough to have her as my daughter-in-law.....this beautiful woman of God, blessing those around her with her quiet, peaceful spirit.
It has indeed been an honor to witness the young 15 year old I first met, mature into this breathtaking woman of God, radiating confidence, boldness and maturity, where once there was little. Becoming a mother at seventeen would take it's toll on most teenagers I know, but Sarah did everything right. It wasn't always easy and there were a lot of sacrifices she made for someone so young, which indicated her inner strength was always one of her finest attributes.
You would think that finding yourself pregnant and unwed at the age of 17 would not be something in God's plan....right? Don't be so sure! I am reminded of another special woman of the Bible who experienced some of the same things that Sarah endured, also.
But even when we think we have messed up, God takes our brokenness and makes glorious masterpieces out of things that we never even think can be mended. Our son becoming a daddy and husband at 19 would never have been the path his father or I would have chosen for him. But praise God, we aren't the ones in charge of our paths. God is! It was hard for everyone,of course, but especially for Jordan and Sarah. But I have seen so many amazing things because of God's grace and love that He poured out onto our families during this time.
If I could have personally lined up every girl in the world to choose the perfect wife for my son....I would have picked Sarah! How I was blessed enough to become her mother-in-law.....I'll never know....but I thank God every day for her. I don't think I have ever heard an unkind word come out of her mouth. She believes the best about everyone. She gives of herself to anyone who has need. She is truly an amazing person. I love her so much! I love her for loving my son. I love her for giving me my grandchildren. I love her for her unconditional way of loving me.
Sarah.....you are a Special Gift from God to this earth! How lucky and blessed I am!

My Bucket List (At least for Today)

I am an anally responsible person! So it may amaze and amuse you as to what my "bucket list" would consist of. Let it be known here and now that I will probably never accomplish anything on this list.....but I can dream can't I?

1. Tear the tag off of the mattress.
2. Sleep in until noon.
3. Feed the animals in the zoo cage that has a sign "Please Do Not Feed the Animals!"
4. Stick gum on the bottom of my desk.
5. Throw a banana peel out of my car window while driving down the highway.
6. Take the free coffee from the hotel room.
7. Text at the dinner table, in church, or while at work.
8. Cuss out loud at a preacher.
9. Hang up on a telemarketer.
10. Wind the clock backwards.
11. Leave the batteries in the toy until they drip acid on everything.
12. Bounce a check.
13. Roller skate in a buffalo herd.
14. Spit into the wind.
15. Leave the bread wrapper opened.
16. Lick a flag pole.
17. Sit down during the Pledge of Allegiance.
18. Wash my whites with something red.
19. Eat my dessert first.
20. Leave the cap off the toothpaste.
21 Drive 30 in a 25 mph zone.

Well, there you have it. Seems possible....for a normal person. Yeah...Right.

On Loan

I haven't written a blog for several weeks. I've been busy preparing for the wedding of my youngest daughter, Jill. Everything that was prepared ahead of time to get them hitched.....well, it all went off without a hitch. The bride was breathtaking, the groom was tall, dark, and handsome. The ceremony was moving. The reception was fun. The food was good. The help was exceptional. I love the in-laws.
So why, now, two weeks after the wedding am I feeling soooo sad? It seems I was well prepared for the wedding.....I just wasn't prepared to lose my baby! Now, I know the famous saying, you are not losing a daughter, you are gaining a son-in-law, is true. And that makes me happy. But, as I sit here typing this, I also know that things will never be the same again.
Never again will I trip over piles of her shoes in the middle of my living room floor or hear her rustling around in the refrigerator at midnight looking for munchies.
Never again will I lie in bed waiting to hear her car pull in and breathe a sigh of relief that God had brought her home safely once again.
Never again will I bring home that special something I purchased because it reminded me of her.
No,I won't have stray wild kittens spatting and hissing at me as I try to pull them out from behind the piano because she had let go of them in the house.
I'll now have stacks of clean towels, because there won't be someone using 3 or 4 a day.
It will now take me years to use a bottle of cream rinse.
You see, I had a very important job for many years, and it was to be a mother and raise the three little beings that God had entrusted in my care. This last one....well she has been around for awhile. It was my job to instruct her on how to live, what to do, where to go, when to go, what not to do, how often not to do it, how much to spend, what was acceptable, what was not appreciated...etc. I think you get the picture.
What if I forgot to teach her something? I didn't have enough years to tell her everything I was suppose to, did I? What if she makes mistakes? What if I can't protect her anymore? What if she gets hurt?
Thirty years ago when I had my first baby, I didn't know how to be a mother.....now I don't know how to stop being one.
We live our lives raising our children for someone else. And then, we hand them over to their other half and are expected to retire from parenthood. It would be nice if they came with little tags on their big toe when they are born that reads..
On loan...please love unconditionally...sacrifice unselfishly.....give everything.....expect nothing in return.....and turn them over to someone else in 20 years or so. Please note...they will barely say thank you or goodbye for the years you've invested in them, as they happily pack up their belongings and head out the door.....this is normal. It means you did your job well. Relax...you are no longer a mom!
It seems it would be nice to spend a little time just on me. Right? The problem is...I forgot who me is! I spent 30 of my 52 years being a mom or wife. It didn't seem important at the time. Now, it almost seems too late.
Empty nests! My little birdies have all flown away. I'm entering a new stage of life. Should be exciting.....Once I get use to it!

My Son-in-Law, Russ

Well, the second person I have chosen to write about on my blog is my son-in-law, Russ. When I was thinking about all of my favorite people that I would be writing about, Russ was the one that I knew would be the one I wanted to write about next. Russ is a diamond in the son-in-laws of life. If I could have hand picked my daughter's husband, he would have been everything I would have chosen for her, and then some.
I remember the first time I met Russ. My daughter had invited us over to her house in Chadron, and Russ was coming over to cook for us. He was an amazing young man. He had prepared a whole meal for all of us that consisted of Teriyaki Grilled Chicken and Rice...wait, it might have been chicken alfredo! He is a great cook, and we have had both prepared by his hands. Anyhow, it was delicious! I could tell he was a special person by the way he treated everyone, especially Gina. I do believe he is one of the most considerate and thoughtful people I have ever met. Russ has a way of recognizing and meeting people's needs before you even realize you need it.
I remember the first time I saw him standing at that kitchen stove , I thought he looked a lot like a young Jesus with short cut hair and neatly trimmed beard. Later, I was to find out that he had a lot of the qualities that I would expect Jesus himself to have. There was a calm peace about him. Very confident, kind, and caring.
I remember one of the stories Gina had told us that gave me a little insight into the sort of person he is.
She told me that she always liked having a little candy once in awhile and not long after they had been dating, she had went to put on her coat that had been hanging in the hall. When she reached inside the pockets, she felt something in there. She pulled out candy. He had placed candy in her coat pockets as a surprise...which was one of the most romantic things to me. He knew what she liked, and had made a special effort to let her know that he was thinking about her and her needs.
Thinking back, we must have been an overwhelming sort of family to become a part of, when his personality is so quiet and calm. My whole family tends to be loud, pushy, conversation stealers and interrupters! But Russ remains gracious and loving toward us and I genuinely appreciate that.
Russ has a keen sense of humor. He is very witty and enjoys deeper, more intellectual humor. It amazes me how he and Gina will share that knowing glance of an inside joke and understand immediately what each other is thinking about.
I didn't always make life easy for Russ, and I still don't for that matter, but I want him to know that I love him so much and feel so blessed and lucky to have him as part of our family.
He is an amazing husband and father! Actually, he should be nominated for the father of the year award, because he is phenomenal with his three little girls and they think he is the greatest thing since ice cream! You can tell how loved they feel and that they are secure in that love.
Russ is a man of character and integrity. He is an excellent provider and is honest and trustworthy. God truly has placed some wonderful people in our family, and our son-in-law is one of the best!
Russ, we love you! Thank you for accepting us. You are an amazing person and I can't wait to see what the future holds for you. Thank you for falling in love with my daughter and becoming a part of our family!

My Son, My Hero

Over the next few weeks, I have decided to share with you about some of my favorite people in the world...and I can't think of a better person to start with than my son, Jordan.
From the moment the little rascal was born, I could tell that he was going to be someone special. He came out shriveled and red, howling like a banshee, announcing his presence to the world in a great big voice, and I knew from that moment on my life would never be the same again. I've never been disappointed!
Jordan is my Sanguine child. If you have never studied the four basic personality traits, you should. It is quite enlightening and would definitely help you to understand people a little more gracefully. Sanguines LOVE fun. Life is exciting and they enjoy it. Jordan enjoys a good time whether it is on the golf course, playing cards, or his witty, amazing sense of humor! He gets along well with people and enjoys making them laugh.
Jordan has a heart of gold and is a very generous person. On a spiritual level, he is tuned in to the misfortunes of others and has a compassion for them. He is my one child who I feel I could count on to come through for you in a tough situation. He would be there for you, even when it would make him uncomfortable. He is my child I will call "The Defender and Protector of Hearts!"
Jordan has always had a love for animals. And growing up on a farm, there were plenty of those around. I remember his first real test of proving his manhood. He was about nine or ten and he went out to discover that one of his favorite pets had died. Like a man, he went out with a shovel and dug a hole to bury it. He told his dad, "I had to bury it, dad, I couldn't let Jill (his little sister) go out there and find it laying there dead." Even then, he was protecting the hearts of others.
Jordan was a short, stocky little powerhouse. But, there was one thing for sure that he was afraid of. The mean rooster. We lived next door to his grandparents and you would have to cross the driveway to go visit them. Invariably, that mean rooster knew when he would be heading over there. Jordan would take off running as fast as his fat, little legs could carry him with that rooster dead on his heals, jumping up on his back and spurring him. Jordan would be screaming and hollering all the way until one of us would have to go out there and knock that rooster off.
I remember the time Jordan got mad at me and packed up his little suitcase and said he was leaving. By suppertime he was back home, everything forgiven. Then there was the time he mowed a big heart in the lawn and the words Happy Father's Day. We still have a picture of that...Gregg had to get up into a tree to take the picture, because the heart was that big.
At the age of 19, my son became a husband and a daddy. This has proven to be one of the moments I am most proud of him. The road hasn't always been easy, but he has diligently worked at being a good provider for his family. He graduated from college when at times it may have been easier for him to drop out. His hard work and dedication has truly been an inspiration to me, and I thank God every day for giving me such a wonderful son.
On Facebook the other day, Jordan made a comment about sometimes you have to go through the darkness to really appreciate the light. Jordan, you are a light in a dark world. When life gets you down, and even when it seems a little dark and dreary, I want you to know that I love you so much and YOU are my hero and bright spot in my dark times!
You are a strong and honorable man of God, an embracer of goodness and joy. You appreciate the gift of life and spread happiness with your generosity and sense of humor. You make me laugh on the outside and you make me smile on the inside. I am a very fortunate mother to have such a good son, but you also make me proud to know you as a person.
You're future's so bright.....you gotta wear shades!!!!!!!