Monday, October 31, 2011
My heart has been crying this month. I want to share a very personal story with you. I've always been a pretty open person, so sharing something personal isn't that odd for me, however, I am sharing this in order to share what God is doing in my life. I am also a very emotional person, so this isn't shared without good reason. My blogs usually have some sort of spiritual message I am trying to relay, and this one is no different. In fact, it has several....I have just finished reading my daughter Gina's blog, so she has shared it, which means that I can tell my side of the story now, also, without revealing anything that she had wanted to keep to herself.
Three weeks ago, we went to visit my daughter and the family stopped to have ice cream at the Dairy Queen. She had an envelope full of pictures for me and as I was looking through them, one caught my eye in particular. It was an ultrasound picture of a tiny baby and I knew immediately that we were going to be grandparents again. Even though Gina has three wonderful daughters, a fourth child would be a welcomed addition to the family. I was excited! We hoped for a little grandson and we vocalized it to her...wouldn't it be nice to have a little boy??? We also joked with her about how "some" members of our family and even just friends and people in general were bound to make the comments about "don't you know what causes those." or "I can't believe you would want any more... to even "I hope THIS is the last one." Comments that are said without malice....however, can still hurt all the same. Fortunately, for once, I was not the voice of these comments. I was happy! I love grandchildren...and they are exceptional parents....so why should anyone care...(unfortunately....they seem to. none the less). Or at least they feel it is their right to instruct people on things that aren't really their business. Why do we do that, anyway? Why can't we make positive, encouraging comments, instead. Anyway...we had an ultrasound picture of a healthy baby with a strong heartbeat.
Friday, Gina had a regular doctor appointment and they could not detect a heartbeat....they sent her in for another ultrasound and discovered that the baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks and there was now no heartbeat. They gave her the option of a D and C or to wait out a miscarriage. She waited until she knew I would be home and called me. We cried together and wondered why?
Saturday, Gregg and I attended a healing conference in Rapid City, SD. We have been feeling that God is leading us into ministry in the area of healing (both spiritually and physically). It was an interesting conference and we both felt we had learned some valuable information. When I got home that night, I really felt that we needed to go the next day and pray over Gina and the baby. We felt we needed to pray "life" into this little one and knew that God is able to do all things so that is what we did. Our whole family were united in this decision and we prayed for a miracle, believing that God would do this. We had God's promises and scripture that confirmed this and our faith was strong. The whole week was dedicated to believing, praying and scripture. Our faith grew stronger each day. Even though we were praying for the impossible, we believed we would receive it. I learned so much during this time....as long as she hadn't miscarried....I believed there was hope...
The next Friday, she went in for her appointment and asked for another ultrasound believing that God had given her a miracle....he really had....but not in the way we were hoping for...there was no change....no growth.....no heartbeat.
I was a little irritated with God....where was MY miracle? Why wasn't He giving us what we were having faith for? And actually....He answered me!
Our faith should not be dependent upon the results....that's right...you heard me correctly. God REQUIRES us to BELIEVE and TRUST...regardless of the outcome! and not only that, the outcome has nothing to do with your faith! The outcome belongs to God and God alone. But YOU determine what YOU do in any given circumstance regardless of the results! Our faith should look like a straight and narrow road in the valleys and on the mountaintops. It should remain level, unfaltering, no dips and no rises.....circumstances should not dictate our reactions. IN CHRIST ALONE I PUT MY TRUST....God wanted me to believe for a miracle....that is what He asks of us. To trust and believe for miracles, always. But He doesn't always respond with a miracle.
If I am going to be immersed in a ministry of healing (wounded souls and broken bodies) I would need to understand this one key thing. There will not always be a healing. But it doesn't mean you don't ask for one...EVERY TIME.
I don't know why healing doesn't happen the way we want and every time we want. But I don't need to know. God knows....and I know God. That is enough for me. I will not falter every time He doesn't answer the way I think He should. I am to do what He asks...and He asks me to step out....that's it....step out and believe for the impossible! The results are HIS.
On Saturday, Gina miscarried. How could something so tiny have affected all of our lives so much? I grew such an appreciation for people trying to have children and unable. How could they go through this once, let alone five and six times? And how cruel people's comments can be. They really don't understand.
There WAS a miracle involved in my story! The miracle was Gina's faith. It rose up when she needed it most. And it got her through a very difficult time.
Now I can't end the story without sharing something with you all that you may not like.....but I have to.
That 8 week old ultrasound picture I saw was a baby with a beating heartbeat. It was not some fetus or lump of cells, or whatever else you may call it. My heart longs to hold this grandchild that is now being held by Jesus in heaven. But, someday....I will meet him/her when they greet me in heaven at the end of my life.
Choosing to end the life of the unborn as a convenience is sin....It happens thousands of times every day throughout our country. Tiny heartbeats are stopped on purpose. Tiny cries are stilled because of lack of understanding. But if you have had an abortion....turn to Jesus for forgiveness. He loves you....and longs to cradle you in His arms just as He is holding your tiny little baby.