1. Learn sign language. (This is usually taught to you by passing motorists as you drive 35 miles an hour on the highway.)
2. Sit in the mall and pick a new spouse for your mate. This also relieves tension by discovering that there are weirder people than you out there.
3. Guess what kind of underwear the people in the mall are wearing. (This sometimes is too easy to do.)
4. Instead of reading the newest novel, read people's tattoos. (You may not want to do this with your grandchildren along, however.)
5. Count the age spots on your hands and arms. (If you reach more than fifty, you win)
6. Eat at Arby's.
7. Watch Dancing With the Stars. (This is the new Lawrence Welk)
8. Try on a bikini thong. If you get it up to your calf, celebrate.
9. Clip your mates toenails. To really have fun, let them clip yours, also.
10. Practice pulling the hairs out of your chin without a mirror.
11. Stay awake past 8:00 pm. Live dangerously!
12. Take your dentures out of your mouth and make them talk to you like a handpuppet. (This is probably not a good idea if you have company or if your are at the dinner table.)
13. Have knitting needle sword fights.
14. Eat black licorice or red velvet cake and check the color of your stool the next morning.
15. Read the obituaries for ideas.
16. Go to Branson.
17. Write all your Christmas cards in September.
18. Make a list of all the doctors, nurses and health care people you know on a first name basis. Write them all Christmas cards in September.
19. Call all your children and grandchildren by a different name. (This really gets them as they think you don't know what you're doing)
20. Copy the obituaries of your old dead friends and make sure all your children receive a copy. (They should remember them and care, right?)
21. Collect real life horror stories to share with everyone at appropriate times, like the time a microphone fell into the baptismal and electricuted everyone. (A good source for these is the national news, Dr. Phil, and Oprah.)
22. Practice singing loudly and often, substituting words and phrases you don't remember.
23. Play bumper cars with the riding shopping carts in Walmart. (Be sure to say excuse me, though)
24. Hide the last piece of the jigsaw puzzle your spouse is putting together so you can put in the last piece!
25. Make a list of 25 thrilling things you can do after the age of 50.