Cradled in His Arms

My heart has been crying this month. I want to share a very personal story with you. I've always been a pretty open person, so sharing something personal isn't that odd for me, however, I am sharing this in order to share what God is doing in my life. I am also a very emotional person, so this isn't shared without good reason. My blogs usually have some sort of spiritual message I am trying to relay, and this one is no different. In fact, it has several....I have just finished reading my daughter Gina's blog, so she has shared it, which means that I can tell my side of the story now, also, without revealing anything that she had wanted to keep to herself.
Three weeks ago, we went to visit my daughter and the family stopped to have ice cream at the Dairy Queen. She had an envelope full of pictures for me and as I was looking through them, one caught my eye in particular. It was an ultrasound picture of a tiny baby and I knew immediately that we were going to be grandparents again. Even though Gina has three wonderful daughters, a fourth child would be a welcomed addition to the family. I was excited! We hoped for a little grandson and we vocalized it to her...wouldn't it be nice to have a little boy??? We also joked with her about how "some" members of our family and even just friends and people in general were bound to make the comments about "don't you know what causes those." or "I can't believe you would want any more... to even "I hope THIS is the last one." Comments that are said without malice....however, can still hurt all the same. Fortunately, for once, I was not the voice of these comments. I was happy! I love grandchildren...and they are exceptional parents....so why should anyone care...(unfortunately....they seem to. none the less). Or at least they feel it is their right to instruct people on things that aren't really their business. Why do we do that, anyway? Why can't we make positive, encouraging comments, instead. Anyway...we had an ultrasound picture of a healthy baby with a strong heartbeat.
Friday, Gina had a regular doctor appointment and they could not detect a heartbeat....they sent her in for another ultrasound and discovered that the baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks and there was now no heartbeat. They gave her the option of a D and C or to wait out a miscarriage. She waited until she knew I would be home and called me. We cried together and wondered why?
Saturday, Gregg and I attended a healing conference in Rapid City, SD. We have been feeling that God is leading us into ministry in the area of healing (both spiritually and physically). It was an interesting conference and we both felt we had learned some valuable information. When I got home that night, I really felt that we needed to go the next day and pray over Gina and the baby. We felt we needed to pray "life" into this little one and knew that God is able to do all things so that is what we did. Our whole family were united in this decision and we prayed for a miracle, believing that God would do this. We had God's promises and scripture that confirmed this and our faith was strong. The whole week was dedicated to believing, praying and scripture. Our faith grew stronger each day. Even though we were praying for the impossible, we believed we would receive it. I learned so much during this time....as long as she hadn't miscarried....I believed there was hope...
The next Friday, she went in for her appointment and asked for another ultrasound believing that God had given her a miracle....he really had....but not in the way we were hoping for...there was no change....no growth.....no heartbeat.
I was a little irritated with God....where was MY miracle? Why wasn't He giving us what we were having faith for? And actually....He answered me!
Our faith should not be dependent upon the results....that's right...you heard me correctly. God REQUIRES us to BELIEVE and TRUST...regardless of the outcome! and not only that, the outcome has nothing to do with your faith! The outcome belongs to God and God alone. But YOU determine what YOU do in any given circumstance regardless of the results! Our faith should look like a straight and narrow road in the valleys and on the mountaintops. It should remain level, unfaltering, no dips and no rises.....circumstances should not dictate our reactions. IN CHRIST ALONE I PUT MY TRUST....God wanted me to believe for a miracle....that is what He asks of us. To trust and believe for miracles, always. But He doesn't always respond with a miracle.
If I am going to be immersed in a ministry of healing (wounded souls and broken bodies) I would need to understand this one key thing. There will not always be a healing. But it doesn't mean you don't ask for one...EVERY TIME.
I don't know why healing doesn't happen the way we want and every time we want. But I don't need to know. God knows....and I know God. That is enough for me. I will not falter every time He doesn't answer the way I think He should. I am to do what He asks...and He asks me to step out....that's it....step out and believe for the impossible! The results are HIS.
On Saturday, Gina miscarried. How could something so tiny have affected all of our lives so much? I grew such an appreciation for people trying to have children and unable. How could they go through this once, let alone five and six times? And how cruel people's comments can be. They really don't understand.
There WAS a miracle involved in my story! The miracle was Gina's faith. It rose up when she needed it most. And it got her through a very difficult time.
Now I can't end the story without sharing something with you all that you may not like.....but I have to.
That 8 week old ultrasound picture I saw was a baby with a beating heartbeat. It was not some fetus or lump of cells, or whatever else you may call it. My heart longs to hold this grandchild that is now being held by Jesus in heaven. But, someday....I will meet him/her when they greet me in heaven at the end of my life.
Choosing to end the life of the unborn as a convenience is sin....It happens thousands of times every day throughout our country. Tiny heartbeats are stopped on purpose. Tiny cries are stilled because of lack of understanding. But if you have had an abortion....turn to Jesus for forgiveness. He loves you....and longs to cradle you in His arms just as He is holding your tiny little baby.

Our Real Enemy

Today has been a day of mixed emotions. It is hard to believe that ten years have past so quickly and yet the pictures of that day are hauntingly, ever present in my mind. I wanted to remember, so I went to you tube and watched some of the horrendous videos of that day forever etched in my memory. Two tall twin towers, one burning, literally melting, while the other was approached by a large jet heading straight into the tower. Then shortly after...an attack on our Pentagon. It was so shocking, I had never seen anything like it. So many lives lost, forever, in an instant. They were just going about their business in a normal way, never dreaming that it would be their last moments on earth. Their last breakfast....their last conversation with a loved one.
The feelings all came pouring back to me as I re-watched the footage. Shock, anger, sadness, fear, a flood of emotions. But the United States rose up in unity and patriotism that was unequaled. Our flag could be seen flying everywhere, declaring our unity against the unseen enemy that was attacking our homeland.
But, today, I also noticed other videos on you tube....videos that were calling 9/11 a hoax....a conspiracy....a lie. Everything from a rendition of the Bee Gees song "Staying Alive" to singing the tune with the word's changed to "9/11's a lie".
Conspiracy theories ranging from missile attacks by our own country, to alien attacks, to the plane that crashed into the trade center was a hologram!! I was shocked to say the least. But, why was I so shocked? There are many who still claim that the holocaust and the moon landing are hoaxes, frauds, fakes....and have never happened, either.
It sort of sounds like a lot of people I know...deny the obvious. Blame someone other than the real perpetrator....or worse yet, believe it doesn't involve you, so remain indifferent to it all.
Quite frankly, we all know who the real perpetrator was that day. It was Satan and his army of evil-doers, doing what he does best. Creating chaos, confusion, fear, and taking out as many humans as he could in the process.
"For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." Ephesians 6:12.
Although our battles play out in the physical realm, the war is really spiritual in nature. There IS a supernatural realm, and there is a real battle between good and evil....truth and lies......God and the devil.
In John 10:10, Jesus tells us that "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy, I have come that they may have life and have it to the full."
And 1 Peter 5:8 adds, "Your enemy, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."
Satan may have used human hands on earth to do his bidding....but he is our enemy. He sets traps and snares and lies in wait to pounce on us and capture us by his deceit.
It makes me sad that some people have no trouble believing in God or heaven, but are in denial of Satan and hell. He is very real....but even though it may look as though he is winning a few battles....he has already been defeated!!! Jesus has crushed the head of the serpent...his reign of terror has an end!
Today's remembering of the events of 9/11 are a reminder of this. Stay diligent and pray that God's hedge remains around us and around America....God longs to gather you under the protective shadow of His wings as a mother hen gathers her baby chicks. Don't get so independent that you don't think you have a need of God and you become the baby chick that wanders too far away that you can't make it back under the wings of your mother when danger approaches.

The "Too" Moments

It's 11:30 pm...I can't sleep....so I have decided to write. Ten minutes have passed and I've got nothing. I have a blank screen in front of me. It seems I also have a blank mind. I could write about how I miss the sounds of Jill's laughter echoing in my house, or Jordan begging me to play a game with him, or Gina bossing her siblings around and playing school with them. I could share how I especially miss the family meals around the table and taking my children to Sunday school and church. I still remember all of the words to the Sunday School songs I taught them, but I'm beginning to forget the sounds of their little voices singing them. I could write about how I miss arguing with them about what they can and can't wear to school. Why didn't I just let them have a little freedom? Why was everything a big deal? Why didn't I pause to look at them closer and take in every curl, dimple and smell of their childhood?
I remember saying....why don't you just grow up! Or...quit being a baby! So they did....
Every day, working at the school, I see parents so busy they don't see what is right there in front of them. They raise their children, not understanding that some day they will belong to someone else. Parents who frantically toss their children in front of television sets or video games so they can gain a few moments peace, but in the process, lose them to a world that robs them of their innocence and pushes them to grow up too fast. Parents who don't have time to teach values and manners to their children because it's just too hard and takes far too much time. Parents who love their children enough to buy them telephones and televisions in elementary school....but have no time to gather them on their laps and read a book to them. No time to teach them nursery rhymes, or take them to church.
Don't get me wrong...I'm not bashing the parents of today...they have soooo much on their plates. But I want to scream at them....SLOW DOWN! You're missing out! When your children are three....you think you'll have them with you forever...you think you'll have more time with them later....but you don't!
I remember telling them to hop down off of my lap because I was too hot and sweaty to hold them....how I wish I had those moments to do over.
You see, time has a way of subtly stealing the things that are most precious and dear away from you. And those special moments are gifts to us. But they only last two seconds. I like to call them the "too" moments, because TOO often, we miss them because we are TOO busy, TOO tired, or TOO grouchy!
We don't get "Do overs" with children. God loans them to us for a few years, and then we are left with an adult child, modeling the life he/her saw demonstrated to them in our lives.
Listen to me, parents. The best way you can love your child is to raise him to become adults that others will love and respect. Do you let them back talk you? Do you give them everything they want or let them do everything they want? Or do you help them to understand that there are consequences to their actions? Even though it may hurt you to discipline them... it will help them to become well loved and respected adults.
I've made lots of mistake raising my children...but the biggest error was not slowing down and loving them in the moments. I long for them to be little again so I can take back harsh, unloving words that I shouted at them, cutting through their little hearts. Rash words that flew out of my mouth before I could take them back. I'd give anything to take back my impatience...while their little hands tried to put on shoes quickly enough to suit me....or pick up toys just the way I demanded it. I long to kiss away little tears that I had caused because of my own selfishness. I long to walk into there bedrooms while they are sleeping and just gaze at them for an hour.
Yes, I could write about all the flowers I could have stopped and smelled...and how many picnics and stories I could have shared...about listening to the laughter and pausing for the smiles....and pondering at the wonder in their eyes....and kissing away the tears.....but....it makes me too sad.....and too lonely....and too bittersweet........................so, I won't.

Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This

We moved our youngest daughter, Jill, and her husband, Vaughn, this weekend...80 miles south of us! It has definitely been an interesting weekend!!! To start with, when we arrived at the new apartment, that was supposed to be ready for them....well....it wasn't! Imagine our surprise when we walked in and the new carpet was not finished...all the appliances were not installed....the painting and dry-walling were not complete....all the doors in the house were needing rehung....and the plumber wasn't finished. The linoleum in the kitchen was only half laid, and the counters were not finished. No one had told us it wasn't finished....the landlord had said it would be done....the contractors had a different story. The carpet layers showed up at about nine and told us they would be finished around 1:00. It was more like 3:00...then they told us we couldn't put any of the appliances in for 72 hours until the linoleum set up or it would bubble and tear. None of the other contractors showed up at all...so we at least appreciated the carpet layers coming and finishing.
It will be very nice when it is completed, but we could only pile boxes and furniture into the bedrooms, and they will be without appliances until Monday or Tuesday. We could live with that so we left them with Vaughn's parents and came home.
It had been a long day so we went to bed early. At 11:00 pm, the phone rang and it was Jill asking us where Lori and Bill's 2 duffle bags were. The last we had seen them, they were laying outside in the grass by the back door. No problem, right? Wrong....someone had stolen them and it had their cell phones, ipods, overnight clothes and medicine in it. Yeah!!! Welcome to Scottsbluff, Jill and Vaughn! You have thieves in your neighborhood!
It's sad to think there are so many dishonest people out there. But back to the story!
Church was fantastic as always....God was very close. We did a little grocery shopping, got home and had a message on our answering machine. It was Jill's voice calmly explaining that they had been in a little fender bender and needed our insurance information (the car and insurance is still in our name). It hadn't done much damage to the other lady's car, but had bent the hood pretty badly on Jill's already crappy car. Vaughn had hit his head on the steering wheel and Jill hit her head also, but both are fine....the other driver is fine....so thank God, it could have been much worse. Again...Welcome to Scottsbluff, Jill and Vaughn!
The icing on the cake was when I called Gina. Jill couldn't take her cat, Meeko, with them so Gina said she would keep it for them. Generous, right! Anyway, he got out and ran away....so bye, bye, Meeko! Welcome to Scottsbluff, Jill and Vaughn!
There was an upside to the day, though! Thank God for stupid people! The kids who stole the duffle bags were caught because they were texting with the cell phones! Yeah! So they recovered the stolen things, but they can't have them back for a month or so because they are evidence! Ha Ha Ha!
Mama said there'd be days like this.....there'd be days like this my Mama said!
And then, I realized that though this looked like a crappy, irritating day....that was really all it was! A crappy, irritating day! We need to put perspective into play and see things for what they really are.... you see, this weekend....Gregg's cousin's son was hit by a train and killed! And we stopped in our tracks in shock and sadness and prayed to our heavenly Father for forgiveness! Perspective! Jesus...please forgive us for our lack of it! Help us to realize that our really crappy days are a wonderful gift from God to teach us perspective on the really important things in life! Life is so fragile....and we have no idea how something so precious can be taken from us in an instant. Open my eyes, Lord, to what real pain is. Give me compassion for others who are going through horrific circumstances and use me to provide comfort and healing in their lives! Help me to truly understand how to use our days wisely and to bring sunshine into the lives of those we come in contact with instead of complaining about such trivial, unimportant things!

I Believe It, So It Must Be True!

Isn't it interesting that we all believe that whatever we believe is RIGHT? I have an opinion about everything from the color of a flower to which is the best way to put a roll of toilet paper on the holder...going over or going under. Obviously, over is the right way to do it! Ha...Gregg would disagree with me on that one. When he changes it....he always puts it under. Always having to be right is something I have struggled with my whole life. I'm finally dealing with this, although, it isn't easy. I have always been a hard core black/white, left/right, right/wrong, yes/no believer. Decisions are usually easy for me. I make the decision...and it's always the right one...even when it isn't! I know I have been wrong a couple of times....but I really can't remember when! (said tongue in cheek) I have a hard time understanding people who have no opinions (or at least keep their opinions to themselves). I am more than willing to share my opinion when asked...and more often then not, even if you don't ask! But, lately, I am becoming aware of the fact that just because I believe something...doesn't make it truth! Gasp! Is this Cathy talking? Yep! So mark my words...you may want to throw them back in my face someday!

This is especially true when dealing with the spiritual. I don't know how many times I have started a conversation with the words..."Well, I believe..." like I was stating an absolute truth! I'm still guilty of doing it....but I try to bite my tongue now and change that to say, "God's word says this."

I'm learning that it doesn't matter one iota what I THINK is true. It only matters what IS true. Proof in point, I used to believe in abortion...I was wrong! I used to believe in evolution.....I was wrong! I used to believe I was unlovable...I was wrong! I used to believe there are many ways to God....I was wrong! I used to believe a lot of lies...and waivered and hemmmhawed on what I believed! I was wrong!

Praise God, my beliefs, didn't affect the Truth!

Jesus says, "I am the Way, and the Truth, and the Life! No one comes to the Father except through me." Was He lying? What do you believe? Better yet, what is the truth?

New Beginnings

I have been in a physical slump lately...spiritually I've never been better....but physically it feels like I'm falling apart. At 53, I've lost my motivation! I've lost my passion....I've lost my ABILITY!! Ha! No, really. Physically, I've been feeling like a frumpy, overweight, middle-aged, exhausted,has been. Spiritually, I'm at an all time high, but my body is actually in rebellion to this inner strength and energy I've been having. My spirit cries out to be everything I was meant to be and my body falls asleep in my chair. My spirit tries to motivate me to new heights and my body drags me down to new lows. I have aches and pains in places I never even knew existed. I have pain on my pains and twinges on my hinges! The sad part is, my mental state (mind) tends to side with my body!
Gregg and I were talking on our way home from church and we decided besides the obvious reasons for our tiredness and lack of motivation (overweight, age, etc.), we tend to believe one of the reasons for our lack of motivation is no vision! Our last child left the nest in October, but is now moving to another city and starting her career. My babies are all on their own! I've done my job the best I knew how and hopefully it was good enough. There is nothing left to do on the parent scale. We are cut loose....free....on our own....back to two! And while we love each other dearly...we're finding we're kind of boring!! Seriously, I know it's hard to believe....but it's true! We decided that we need a life!!! So, there is a lot of serious talk being thrown around our house lately! We're mapping a plan....discussing our dreams.....redeveloping our vision.....checking our pulses for life (and, yay, we discovered our hearts our still beating). At 53, we are not ready to lie down and play dead...even though our bodies are trying to make us do that some days! We're throwing around some interesting possibilities but in the end....our spirit is going to WIN the battle! Look out body and mind! We're going to get you under control because THE SPIRIT has great things for us to do! Our vision is getting better!! Our hearing is being fine tuned!!! Our bodies are being revitilized! Our hope has been restored! Our dreams and passions are resurrected! God is offering us new beginnings..........and we are choosing to take them. Isaiah 40:31 says, "but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." And once we're soaring...we're going to help you soar, too!

Hungry, I Come to You

I just finished watching a television preacher, Jentzen Franklin, explain how we must empty ourselves of everything to truly be able to be filled of God. I thought about how we are the vessels (jars of clay) that have been created to carry His very presence. But if that jar is already filled up with junk that I carry around with me all the time, then it is already full and He is unable to pour His presence into my container. If we are already "full of ourselves" then He will set us aside and look for empty containers that are able to hold His presence. Jesus continually seeks out empty vessels.
I came to the conclusion that part of our problem with being full has to do with our attitude toward church. You see....even though Sunday is really the first day of the week, we tend to look at it as the last day of the week. In other words, by the time we finally go to church on Sunday....it is like the end of our week, not the beginning. We come in filled to the brim with a long work week, exhauseted, full of emotions, squeezing in any spare time we have, IF we even go to church at all. We are so filled up with junk and crud from the past week that we have nothing left to give God. But maybe, if we looked at it differently, we would see Sunday as the first day of our week....a time to go to His house and dump ourselves out at the feet of Jesus, emptying our container for a fresh new week. That way, Christ could fill us up fresh again and send us back out into a hurting world, full of Him instead of our own "stuff".
I noticed that when we go to church empty and longing to be filled, worship will be a refreshing drink to our dry, thirsty souls. Christ poured himself out for us....maybe it's time we spilled ourselves out for Him.
A couple of worship songs help give us the idea of what true worship looks like: "Hungry, I come to you for I know You satisfy. I am empty, but I know Your love does not run dry."
And what about "Here, before Your altar I am letting go of all I've built. Of every motive, every burden, everything that's in myself...."
The key to having Jesus' presence fill you, is to empty yourself. Let go of all that you know, come hungry...pour yourself out so you can carry the very presence of the King.