The "Too" Moments

It's 11:30 pm...I can't sleep....so I have decided to write. Ten minutes have passed and I've got nothing. I have a blank screen in front of me. It seems I also have a blank mind. I could write about how I miss the sounds of Jill's laughter echoing in my house, or Jordan begging me to play a game with him, or Gina bossing her siblings around and playing school with them. I could share how I especially miss the family meals around the table and taking my children to Sunday school and church. I still remember all of the words to the Sunday School songs I taught them, but I'm beginning to forget the sounds of their little voices singing them. I could write about how I miss arguing with them about what they can and can't wear to school. Why didn't I just let them have a little freedom? Why was everything a big deal? Why didn't I pause to look at them closer and take in every curl, dimple and smell of their childhood?
I remember saying....why don't you just grow up! Or...quit being a baby! So they did....
Every day, working at the school, I see parents so busy they don't see what is right there in front of them. They raise their children, not understanding that some day they will belong to someone else. Parents who frantically toss their children in front of television sets or video games so they can gain a few moments peace, but in the process, lose them to a world that robs them of their innocence and pushes them to grow up too fast. Parents who don't have time to teach values and manners to their children because it's just too hard and takes far too much time. Parents who love their children enough to buy them telephones and televisions in elementary school....but have no time to gather them on their laps and read a book to them. No time to teach them nursery rhymes, or take them to church.
Don't get me wrong...I'm not bashing the parents of today...they have soooo much on their plates. But I want to scream at them....SLOW DOWN! You're missing out! When your children are three....you think you'll have them with you forever...you think you'll have more time with them later....but you don't!
I remember telling them to hop down off of my lap because I was too hot and sweaty to hold them....how I wish I had those moments to do over.
You see, time has a way of subtly stealing the things that are most precious and dear away from you. And those special moments are gifts to us. But they only last two seconds. I like to call them the "too" moments, because TOO often, we miss them because we are TOO busy, TOO tired, or TOO grouchy!
We don't get "Do overs" with children. God loans them to us for a few years, and then we are left with an adult child, modeling the life he/her saw demonstrated to them in our lives.
Listen to me, parents. The best way you can love your child is to raise him to become adults that others will love and respect. Do you let them back talk you? Do you give them everything they want or let them do everything they want? Or do you help them to understand that there are consequences to their actions? Even though it may hurt you to discipline them... it will help them to become well loved and respected adults.
I've made lots of mistake raising my children...but the biggest error was not slowing down and loving them in the moments. I long for them to be little again so I can take back harsh, unloving words that I shouted at them, cutting through their little hearts. Rash words that flew out of my mouth before I could take them back. I'd give anything to take back my impatience...while their little hands tried to put on shoes quickly enough to suit me....or pick up toys just the way I demanded it. I long to kiss away little tears that I had caused because of my own selfishness. I long to walk into there bedrooms while they are sleeping and just gaze at them for an hour.
Yes, I could write about all the flowers I could have stopped and smelled...and how many picnics and stories I could have shared...about listening to the laughter and pausing for the smiles....and pondering at the wonder in their eyes....and kissing away the tears.....but....it makes me too sad.....and too lonely....and too bittersweet........................so, I won't.

Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This

We moved our youngest daughter, Jill, and her husband, Vaughn, this weekend...80 miles south of us! It has definitely been an interesting weekend!!! To start with, when we arrived at the new apartment, that was supposed to be ready for them....well....it wasn't! Imagine our surprise when we walked in and the new carpet was not finished...all the appliances were not installed....the painting and dry-walling were not complete....all the doors in the house were needing rehung....and the plumber wasn't finished. The linoleum in the kitchen was only half laid, and the counters were not finished. No one had told us it wasn't finished....the landlord had said it would be done....the contractors had a different story. The carpet layers showed up at about nine and told us they would be finished around 1:00. It was more like 3:00...then they told us we couldn't put any of the appliances in for 72 hours until the linoleum set up or it would bubble and tear. None of the other contractors showed up at all...so we at least appreciated the carpet layers coming and finishing.
It will be very nice when it is completed, but we could only pile boxes and furniture into the bedrooms, and they will be without appliances until Monday or Tuesday. We could live with that so we left them with Vaughn's parents and came home.
It had been a long day so we went to bed early. At 11:00 pm, the phone rang and it was Jill asking us where Lori and Bill's 2 duffle bags were. The last we had seen them, they were laying outside in the grass by the back door. No problem, right? Wrong....someone had stolen them and it had their cell phones, ipods, overnight clothes and medicine in it. Yeah!!! Welcome to Scottsbluff, Jill and Vaughn! You have thieves in your neighborhood!
It's sad to think there are so many dishonest people out there. But back to the story!
Church was fantastic as always....God was very close. We did a little grocery shopping, got home and had a message on our answering machine. It was Jill's voice calmly explaining that they had been in a little fender bender and needed our insurance information (the car and insurance is still in our name). It hadn't done much damage to the other lady's car, but had bent the hood pretty badly on Jill's already crappy car. Vaughn had hit his head on the steering wheel and Jill hit her head also, but both are fine....the other driver is fine....so thank God, it could have been much worse. Again...Welcome to Scottsbluff, Jill and Vaughn!
The icing on the cake was when I called Gina. Jill couldn't take her cat, Meeko, with them so Gina said she would keep it for them. Generous, right! Anyway, he got out and ran away....so bye, bye, Meeko! Welcome to Scottsbluff, Jill and Vaughn!
There was an upside to the day, though! Thank God for stupid people! The kids who stole the duffle bags were caught because they were texting with the cell phones! Yeah! So they recovered the stolen things, but they can't have them back for a month or so because they are evidence! Ha Ha Ha!
Mama said there'd be days like this.....there'd be days like this my Mama said!
And then, I realized that though this looked like a crappy, irritating day....that was really all it was! A crappy, irritating day! We need to put perspective into play and see things for what they really are.... you see, this weekend....Gregg's cousin's son was hit by a train and killed! And we stopped in our tracks in shock and sadness and prayed to our heavenly Father for forgiveness! Perspective! Jesus...please forgive us for our lack of it! Help us to realize that our really crappy days are a wonderful gift from God to teach us perspective on the really important things in life! Life is so fragile....and we have no idea how something so precious can be taken from us in an instant. Open my eyes, Lord, to what real pain is. Give me compassion for others who are going through horrific circumstances and use me to provide comfort and healing in their lives! Help me to truly understand how to use our days wisely and to bring sunshine into the lives of those we come in contact with instead of complaining about such trivial, unimportant things!

I Believe It, So It Must Be True!

Isn't it interesting that we all believe that whatever we believe is RIGHT? I have an opinion about everything from the color of a flower to which is the best way to put a roll of toilet paper on the holder...going over or going under. Obviously, over is the right way to do it! Ha...Gregg would disagree with me on that one. When he changes it....he always puts it under. Always having to be right is something I have struggled with my whole life. I'm finally dealing with this, although, it isn't easy. I have always been a hard core black/white, left/right, right/wrong, yes/no believer. Decisions are usually easy for me. I make the decision...and it's always the right one...even when it isn't! I know I have been wrong a couple of times....but I really can't remember when! (said tongue in cheek) I have a hard time understanding people who have no opinions (or at least keep their opinions to themselves). I am more than willing to share my opinion when asked...and more often then not, even if you don't ask! But, lately, I am becoming aware of the fact that just because I believe something...doesn't make it truth! Gasp! Is this Cathy talking? Yep! So mark my words...you may want to throw them back in my face someday!

This is especially true when dealing with the spiritual. I don't know how many times I have started a conversation with the words..."Well, I believe..." like I was stating an absolute truth! I'm still guilty of doing it....but I try to bite my tongue now and change that to say, "God's word says this."

I'm learning that it doesn't matter one iota what I THINK is true. It only matters what IS true. Proof in point, I used to believe in abortion...I was wrong! I used to believe in evolution.....I was wrong! I used to believe I was unlovable...I was wrong! I used to believe there are many ways to God....I was wrong! I used to believe a lot of lies...and waivered and hemmmhawed on what I believed! I was wrong!

Praise God, my beliefs, didn't affect the Truth!

Jesus says, "I am the Way, and the Truth, and the Life! No one comes to the Father except through me." Was He lying? What do you believe? Better yet, what is the truth?

New Beginnings

I have been in a physical slump lately...spiritually I've never been better....but physically it feels like I'm falling apart. At 53, I've lost my motivation! I've lost my passion....I've lost my ABILITY!! Ha! No, really. Physically, I've been feeling like a frumpy, overweight, middle-aged, exhausted,has been. Spiritually, I'm at an all time high, but my body is actually in rebellion to this inner strength and energy I've been having. My spirit cries out to be everything I was meant to be and my body falls asleep in my chair. My spirit tries to motivate me to new heights and my body drags me down to new lows. I have aches and pains in places I never even knew existed. I have pain on my pains and twinges on my hinges! The sad part is, my mental state (mind) tends to side with my body!
Gregg and I were talking on our way home from church and we decided besides the obvious reasons for our tiredness and lack of motivation (overweight, age, etc.), we tend to believe one of the reasons for our lack of motivation is no vision! Our last child left the nest in October, but is now moving to another city and starting her career. My babies are all on their own! I've done my job the best I knew how and hopefully it was good enough. There is nothing left to do on the parent scale. We are cut loose....free....on our own....back to two! And while we love each other dearly...we're finding we're kind of boring!! Seriously, I know it's hard to believe....but it's true! We decided that we need a life!!! So, there is a lot of serious talk being thrown around our house lately! We're mapping a plan....discussing our dreams.....redeveloping our vision.....checking our pulses for life (and, yay, we discovered our hearts our still beating). At 53, we are not ready to lie down and play dead...even though our bodies are trying to make us do that some days! We're throwing around some interesting possibilities but in the end....our spirit is going to WIN the battle! Look out body and mind! We're going to get you under control because THE SPIRIT has great things for us to do! Our vision is getting better!! Our hearing is being fine tuned!!! Our bodies are being revitilized! Our hope has been restored! Our dreams and passions are resurrected! God is offering us new beginnings..........and we are choosing to take them. Isaiah 40:31 says, "but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." And once we're soaring...we're going to help you soar, too!

Hungry, I Come to You

I just finished watching a television preacher, Jentzen Franklin, explain how we must empty ourselves of everything to truly be able to be filled of God. I thought about how we are the vessels (jars of clay) that have been created to carry His very presence. But if that jar is already filled up with junk that I carry around with me all the time, then it is already full and He is unable to pour His presence into my container. If we are already "full of ourselves" then He will set us aside and look for empty containers that are able to hold His presence. Jesus continually seeks out empty vessels.
I came to the conclusion that part of our problem with being full has to do with our attitude toward church. You see....even though Sunday is really the first day of the week, we tend to look at it as the last day of the week. In other words, by the time we finally go to church on Sunday....it is like the end of our week, not the beginning. We come in filled to the brim with a long work week, exhauseted, full of emotions, squeezing in any spare time we have, IF we even go to church at all. We are so filled up with junk and crud from the past week that we have nothing left to give God. But maybe, if we looked at it differently, we would see Sunday as the first day of our week....a time to go to His house and dump ourselves out at the feet of Jesus, emptying our container for a fresh new week. That way, Christ could fill us up fresh again and send us back out into a hurting world, full of Him instead of our own "stuff".
I noticed that when we go to church empty and longing to be filled, worship will be a refreshing drink to our dry, thirsty souls. Christ poured himself out for us....maybe it's time we spilled ourselves out for Him.
A couple of worship songs help give us the idea of what true worship looks like: "Hungry, I come to you for I know You satisfy. I am empty, but I know Your love does not run dry."
And what about "Here, before Your altar I am letting go of all I've built. Of every motive, every burden, everything that's in myself...."
The key to having Jesus' presence fill you, is to empty yourself. Let go of all that you know, come hungry...pour yourself out so you can carry the very presence of the King.

While You Were Sleeping

I try to stay away from controversial subjects that may be misconstrued by the reader or hurt someone I know and love. But there comes a time that if we don't take a stand on some things, then we are in big trouble. The headlines today are plastered all over about the state of New York legalizing gay marriages. I find it a very sad day in United States history. In fact, I discovered, it is actually the 6th state to legalize it. Seriously....what is happening to us as a people??? I have friends that live homosexual and lesbian lifestyles and I would never wish to hurt them. But, I can not be silent on this issue. I realize I will be called a lot of things for my beliefs and none of them will be pleasant, I'm sure. But I refuse to accept this as a good thing for our nation. Are we becoming so proud a nation and people that we believe we can continually spit in the face of God and have no fear of repercussions? God's Word means nothing to anyone anymore. Who do we think we are?
Casting Crowns, a contemporary Christian band, says a lot in it's song "While You Were Sleeping". The following words should haunt us. "United States of America, will we go down in history as a nation with no room for it's King." As great of a nation as the United States of America is....we have pushed God out of our lives and our country and embraced a philosophy of love for self, love of sexually immorality, and utter rebellion and insubordination to our King and creator of all things. Wake up, America. It is only going to get worse. As it was in the days of Noah, so will it be in the end times. There will be a day of reckoning. Pray that He doesn't find you sleeping in your indifference.

Perfect Love Casteth Out Fear

I have always been a person controlled by fear. As a small child growing up, that is how my mom kept me in line. I knew every weird and unusual horror story there ever was. BABY CHOKES TO DEATH ON OWN SOCK!!! CHILD KIDNAPPED FROM OWN FRONT LAWN!!! COUPLE KILLED WHEN PLANE CRASHES INTO THEIR BEDROOM WHILE THEY WERE SLEEPING!!!
Fear has been no stranger to me. In fact, it was almost my friend. I never really had to set goals or desire much....fear kept any form of dreams in check. Go to college??? Too many scary uncertainties. Move away??? Not even a possibility. Travel?? Ha! Are you kidding?? Life for me was very limited...I needed to keep safe and alive....that was the goal. No risks! I was kept in the bondage of fear without any physical chains holding me in place. Only invisible chains of fear could anchor me to a spot indefinitely.
My sister dealt with it all a different way! I don't believe she was as paralyzed by fear as I was, but she was determined that NOTHING was standing in her way! If fear arose in her....she would do the exact thing she was afraid of just to prove she could! She was not about to allow fear to control her. She loves to travel and ride amusement park rides. She goes to scary places and does scary things. She looks fear in the eye and dares it to stop her! Fear shrinks when Jeanne looks it in the eye!
I have tried to face my fears a few times....I absolutely vowed I would walk across the Royal Gorge Bridge.....(until I got there). I could hardly make it to the first pillar and decided it wasn't worth the anxiety it caused me when I really didn't need to walk across it anyway. So I stayed put relaxing on the patio until my family walked across and back.
Why am I writing a blog on fear anyway? I think I want everyone to know that with Jesus Christ in your life...fear just sort of starts to go away and peace comes in it's place. I'm a perfect example of this. My baby steps toward freedom are becoming giant steps.
There have been a few turning points in the right direction for me, but when my friend's daughter died of cancer, I started to heal of my own cancer of fear. I began to see the fragility and briefness of life. And how sad it is to waste even a moment of this precious gift of life in fear. I began setting goals and making plans. I decided that I would step out and do one of the things I had wanted to do for a very long time....go to Branson, Missouri.
Now this may not seem like a very big goal to you....but for me it was pretty huge. There are a lot of fears and worries involved there. Fear of spending money, driving through big Kansas City on the interstate (which I hate), unknown places and planning, being away from home for too long... (sounds dreadfully fearful...doesn't it?) But for me, well it was! And guess what??? I survived quite nicely, I might add. In fact....I had a blast!! So much fun and good times!
Now let me tell you....I had to ride over bridges spanning high flooding water, ride on winding, curvy roads high in the Ozarks, drive at speeds on interstate that I don't like, cramped in the backseat of a car for 15 hours. I faced a gigantic boa constrictor two feet from me in a magician's show, floods and tornadoes. I spent time in a Walmart back hallway when two tornadoes were heading our way. We spent several hours surrounded by tornadoes in Kansas City that were churning their way around us like we were in the eye of a hurricane. And if that isn't enough....I was in a car with a hungry, dieting Jeanne for 17 hours solid (okay..sorry Jeanne).
I guess the point is this......I really wasn't all that afraid during any of it. God's peace is an amazing thing. "Perfect love casteth out fear" and God is love....so when God is your peace there is nothing to fear! The things I was afraid of were all still skulking around me trying to strike fear in my heart....they didn't go away, in fact, they grew worse. Satan is still like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour. One of my greatest fears (tornadoes) was the thing he used to try to strike fear in my heart. But...greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world." God provides a peace that passes all understanding. I had viewed what an F5 tornado had just done in Joplin, Missouri...75 miles away....but God placed us in the eye of the storm, safe and sheltered. I think I began to realize that death is the only real thing Satan has to try and put fear in our hearts....but with the Lord as your shepherd....death has no sting! We, as Christians, have no need to fear even death itself...
I don't know that I will ever go sky diving or bungee jumping....but, hey, that Alaskan Cruise is looking better all the time.